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| April 12th, 2014 |
I have decided to share our story in the hopes that it educates others, but also provides support and relief for Phil and I.
Phil and I met in college in 2010. Throughout the many hours of studying and days on end of clinical study we became best friends. December 27, 2011 we officially started dating. June 28, 2012 we graduated college and quickly started looking for jobs. Phil and I talked about marriage and everything life had to offer now that school was finished. However, I was completely surprised and in shock when he proposed on February 12, 2013. We set a date and made preparations. We happily married on April 12, 2014. During our engagement we talked about plans for a family. I wanted 6 children and Phil wanted 1. We would meet somewhere in the middle. We were both so excited and ready for this. Having a family was always a dream and I could barely wait to get started.
While we would have happily started trying to get pregnant immediately we felt that there was too much social stigma around those who didn't wait. I didn't want to care about what others thought but its hard to ignore the comments. So we waited a few months. August 16, 2014 just before my 26th birthday we finally stopped birth control. We were excited and had finally put to rest the concerns of others. We even planned a trip to DisneyWorld in the hopes that we could have some fun and get this process going! I knew it could take a few months but it was something new and exciting and we were over the moon.
We didn't succeed that month and instead faced our first BFN (big fat negative). We didn't think too much about it. We invested in ovulation predictor kits and tracked everything on Ovia (an app to assist in getting pregnant). It was fun and exciting to try again. But at the end of that next month we got another BFN. Same story for the next several months. By December 2014 we felt completely clueless. We had been trying for 5 months. We spent way too much money on boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits. We did everything right and still nothing happened. I scheduled my routine PAP smear in January 2015 and talked to my OBGYN about everything. He decided to do some blood work and see if we could get any answers. My blood work came back relatively normal except that my progesterone was on the low side. This was a possible sign that I wasn't properly ovulating on my own. He recommended that I see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and gave me a referral.
After a few more months of trying on our own and being unsuccessful we made an appointment with the RE at an infertility clinic. April 2015 just days before our 1 year anniversary we had our first appointment. Phil had a semen analysis done which came back normal. No factors from his side where holding us back. I did more extensive blood work and everything came back normal. We even went on to do genetic testing to make sure that we weren't carriers for anything that could be potentially dangerous to an embryo or child in the future. It took weeks for the results but we were completely happy to find out that neither of us are genetic carriers and we are both healthy! So why couldn't we get pregnant? We were diagnosed with 100% unexplained infertility. My emotions were starting to get the best of me at this point. I cried way too often and felt like such a failure. But I was hopeful that my RE would be able to give me that BFP (big fat positive) I had been dreaming about!
I started my first round of infertility treatments in May 2015. I started taking Clomid (medication that can be likened to steroids for your ovaries) and felt more hopeful then ever! However, I was not prepared for the side effects of that medication. I had hot flashes so severe I would soak through my clothes at work and then was awake at all hours of the night. I got migraines that felt debilitating. I could barely see straight. And then of course the lovely mood swings. I don't know how Phil made it through that month. I was going in for ultrasounds every few days to check the progress of my ovaries and to see how many follicles (eggs) were maturing. I couldn't believe it but I had FOUR mature follicles! Yes, FOUR! That meant quadruplets or even more if they split. We were terrified and the RE had to have a serious talk with us about the risks and possible reduction if all of them fertilized. The RE even mentioned canceling the cycle but we were too invested in this and didn't want to give up. We went home and mixed together an HCG trigger shot. I never felt more like Walter White in my life. Needles and syringes, saline and white powder. We mixed everything and Phil injected it into my stomach. The HCG trigger shot is used to force ovulation of mature follicles. Then we started BDing! [BD (baby dance) = intercourse]. We BDed until we couldn't anymore. 10 days in a row and multiple times a day sometimes. I just knew we were pregnant. I could barely wait to test! The time finally came and I took a home pregnancy test. BFN. I couldn't believe it. I was devastated. How could I have four follicles and not even one of them fertilized? What was wrong with me? I went in for blood work to verify and got the phone call that I indeed was not pregnant. I can't explain the emotions or feelings to anyone who hasn't experienced this. My heart sank so far. I was a mess. But I could try again right?
June 2015 marked our 2nd cycle with the infertility clinic. More ultrasounds, poking and prodding. Clomid yet again. HCG trigger shot again. This time I only had two follicles! Still a chance of twins but not as risky as the first month. I tried not to get my hopes up. And things got difficult at home. I was so emotional and taking things out on Phil. The Clomid was making me sick and I was absolutely miserable. There were nights I slept on the couch and even nights I left all together for a hotel near by. I couldn't believe that wanting a child so badly was actually ripping apart my marriage. You can only imagine the stress when it was time to BD and we would have to do it for days on end while not happy with each other. Needless to say we pulled through. However that month, along with every before, ended in a BFN.
I started to become a person I didn't recognize anymore. I was obsessive over getting pregnant. I tracked every single symptom and feeling. I never missed a beat. I was falling into an emotional depression that I didn't understand. Those who had just begin trying to get pregnant started announcing their pregnancies. While I was so happy for them, I was beyond sad for myself. I became this jealous bitter person that I had never been before. I stopped communicating with people and I avoided social media. I could barely fathom getting up every day and going to work. I hated being at work and having to pretend I was happy. I wanted to lay in bed all day and cuddle my cats. I tried to keep my closest friends and family informed but it was hard to talk about. Hard to explain something that you really won't ever understand unless you have experienced it.
We never gave up though. July 2015 started cycle number 3. My RE decided to run more tests. I had to undergo a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to check my fallopian tubes and make sure they weren't blocked. I have never experienced anything more painful or embarrassing. I would not wish this exam on anyone. The worst part about it though is that HSGs are an exam that I do at work. I never had much sympathy for these women because I didn't understand. After having the procedure done though I can barely get through a day at work watching these exams being done. I just cry on the inside. I'm sure they see the tears in my eyes but I just choke back. However, the results of my HSG showed that both of my tubes are open and my uterine cavity looked great! Yet again, another perfect test score. Nothing wrong with me. Clomid started again. Only one follicle matured this month. But I kept telling myself that you only need one! One egg and one sperm. Thats all it takes! We waited the allotted time and nonetheless got a BFN. Was I even surprised anymore at this point? Not really. Just depressed in a way I never could have imagined.
Our RE decided that we needed more help. He thought we should start trying intrauterine insemination (IUI). This process involves giving a sperm sample, washing the sperm, condensing the best sperm and injecting them straight into my uterus at the openings of my fallopian tubes. I was so hesitant. This was artificial insemination after all. "Artificial" and I was still convinced that I could have babies on my own. There is nothing wrong with me! But in the end Phil and I decided that we should give it a try since everything up until that point clearly wasn't working.
August 2015 began our 4th cycle with the RE. I took Clomid again. We mixed the HCG trigger and Phil continued to inject me in the stomach. We had two mature follicles. We had appointment after appointment. Finally came the day for our IUI. It was uncomfortable but bearable. It was the day before my 27th birthday and I kept thinking that this would be the best gift ever! I felt hopeful again. Phil pampered me and surprised me by flying my best friend out to stay with us! We enjoyed dinner with friends and then escaped and relaxed in Napa. I wasn't stressed at all. I wasn't working my physical job at the hospital. I finally felt like my body had a chance to do what it should! I mean this had to work, right?! BFN. It was a complete fail. I was beyond myself.
Things became more and more difficult in my life outside of trying to conceive. The medication was making me sick. I barely felt like I could make it through work each day. My RE would request I come in for monitoring appointments which were time sensitive. I was constantly asking for time off of work at very late notice. I felt like my coworkers were upset with me. I dreaded going into work at all and considered quitting several times just so that I could make all my appointments without the anxiety of leaving work all the time. But I didn't quit. I just let it eat away at me and I deal with it everyday.
I joined a support group online and started to find some peace. 1 in 8 woman deal with infertility and it goes completely unnoticed by society. In fact, most insurances don't even cover infertility treatment! Through months and months of research that I did I found several studies that showed that woman with infertility have the same emotional distress as woman diagnosed with cancer. Some people are diagnosed with cancer. Others have heart failure, liver failure or kidney failure. And others have reproductive organ failure or infertility. Infertility is a disease that gets no recognition and women dealing with infertility tend to get little to no support. The friends I made through my support group quickly became like family. Somebody finally understood how I felt! I don't go a single day without thinking about being pregnant, without feeling sad and depressed, without hearing another pregnancy announcement of someone who wasn't trying, but I haven't given up hope either.
September 2015 marked cycle number 5. My RE decided to start me on a higher dose of Clomid. Higher?! I could barely handle the symptoms from the dose I was on! But I was willing to try anything. We doubled my dose and started another round. Trigger shot. IUI. Two mature follicles. But at this point I'm sure you can guess the result. BFN.
Now here we are at October 2015. I am currently on my 6th medicated cycle with the RE. I did a back to back IUI this month meaning I did it two days in a row for maximum amount of sperm in my uterus. I had two mature follicles. And we are patiently waiting for results. However, we have been told that IVF is our next option. Clomid took such a bad toll on my body that it actually thinned my uterus lining to the point that I can't support a pregnancy naturally anymore. I have started medications to reverse this but have to consider new options. I have gone through the IVF consults already. Ive been poked and prodded like a test animal. IVF is not covered by insurance and costs $20,000+ here in CA. Phil and I want to do all that we can to have a baby though, which means we are considering IVF. Financially it would put us in a bad place. We have considered traveling to AZ where the treatment is half the price. But this entails me being gone for several weeks for monitoring, egg retrieval and transfer. I am afraid of asking my job for the time off and hesitant that we can afford IVF and not work while doing it.
Most days I cry silently and stumble through my days half aware of whats going on around me and constantly thinking of whats happening inside my body. Some days I can barely leave bed or see through my tears. I avoid friends and family. I often think of getting in my car and driving far away and never coming back. Depression is not something I ever thought I would deal with. My thoughts take me to dark places. I did everything right. I graduated high school. I went to college and graduated. I have a career. I got married. So what is wrong with me? Why can't I have a child. These may be questions that I never answer.
Will I ever be a mother?
Only time will tell. I always imagined being the first to give my parents grandchildren. And I still envision those 6 children I want so badly. But these dreams of mine become distant realities each month that I see those stark white negative pregnancy tests. Some days I want to give up. Some days I want to fight for it. I feel like a failure. But I am grateful for the friends in my support group, those in my personal life who have showed support and my loving husband who has stayed by my side. He goes through these emotions with me on a daily basis and I can never repay him. I know how much it hurts him also that we are going through this. We have kept quiet for so long now and thought it was time to share our story.
Thank you for reading.
